This post is a continuation of Mahina’s journey with non-monogamy that began in Monogamish, Part 1. Thank you again to Mahina for sharing her story.
Diving in to Monogamish
Once Caz and I had the all clear from both our significant others, there were a lot of things going on in my head. A big one was that I’d had this fantasy of being with two guys and I wanted to make that a reality, which both Hoshi and Caz were on board with. In order for that to happen, I felt like I needed to sleep with Caz first, on my own. I didn’t want my first time sleeping with someone other than my husband to be during the threesome, which was already going to be a lot on its own. It would have been too many firsts at once.
I remember talking to Hoshi about spending the night at Caz’s for the first time and on my way out the door he gave me a big hug, told me to have fun, and said, “When you fall in love with Caz, it’s ok. It’s ok for these feelings to develop and it’s ok for that to happen.”
I was pretty convinced that that wasn’t going to happen. I was going into with the mindset that this was just friends with benefits – it was just sex. We were going to have fun, but there weren’t going to be any stronger feelings.
Caz and I were already really good friends at that point, so there wasn’t much dating/get-to-know-you type activities that needed to happen in order to take that next step. We went out to dinner before we went to his place, but pretty much as soon as we got back to his place, we jumped into bed. We ended up spending the weekend together. I went over Friday night and didn’t go home until Sunday.
I was nervous as hell to have sex with Caz, as I’d only been with Hoshi up to this point. Despite my nerves, I ended up having a lot of fun and the weekend went by in a snap. I felt much more comfortable to jump to the next big thing, which was to fulfill a long-time fantasy of both Hoshi and I and have a threesome.
Going Home After the First Weekend
I went home to Hoshi and felt super sheepish. He gave me a hug, asked me how it was, and I told him everything.
There were some things that happened that Hoshi didn’t approve of, so we talked about that. One of them was a straight up mistake on my part. We’d agreed beforehand that Caz would wear a condom. We’d all been tested, but it was one of things Hoshi was adamant about – which was totally understandable and not an unreasonable request.
In the middle of things with Caz, we were having difficulties with the condom falling off and being a general pain. Neither of us were used to using condoms since we were both in long term relationships, so halfway through we were like “Fuck this,” because it was easier to go without.
Hoshi was understandably upset about that. He talked to me about it and then he talked directly to Caz about it, letting us both know that there were things that happened that he wasn’t ok with and it was very important to him that they didn’t happen again.
It was a hard conversation for me to have because I felt like I’d let him down. I had permission to do this thing, but I had these limitations, and I’d broken them. I felt awful and like I’d betrayed his trust. I don’t know if I didn’t realize how big of deal it was for Hoshi, or if I willfully forgot, but either way it was a mistake on my part.
Hoshi wanted reassurances from both of us that it wouldn’t happen again, which both Caz and I willingly gave. Caz also felt badly about what had happened and apologized for it.
Hoshi is pretty good about processing things and moving on, so after he talked to us both, he was good with everything continuing.
Three’s a Party
When I originally told Caz about my feelings of attraction for him, we were on a group trip and ended up having a long drive with just the two of us, so we time to talk about everything, like past history. He’d had threesomes before and “guest starred” for couples, and he was comfortable jumping into that with Hoshi and me.
His experience with non-monogamy was primarily sexual, with not a lot of emotional intimacy.
Right before anything sexual happened between the three of us, we had a conversation about expectations of what would happen that night. I didn’t end up having to say much because I’d already had those conversations with each of them, separately. It was more of Hoshi and Caz talking it over me – literally over my head as I was sitting between them.
In the beginning when we were making out, I felt like I had to make sure both of them felt included. For example, if I was kissing one of them, I’d immediately spin around and kiss the other one. I didn’t want either one of them to feel excluded. It was a process figuring out how to be with two people – the mechanics of it. Eventually, I was able to get over that mental hiccup when I realized they were both fine including themselves when and where they wanted and I didn’t need to worry about managing that.
Both Caz and Hoshi established that neither one was interested in anything sexual happening with the other. They’re both straight but they’re very comfortable with their sexuality. So they were both like, “Yeah, you know I don’t have any interest in going down on you, but if we end up in a cuddle pile and our legs are touching, it’s not that big of a deal.”
It was hands down the best sex I’ve ever had. And it’s because all three of us were so comfortable with each other.
The Morning After
Hoshi and I have a post sex check in that we do when we try something new, or just in general to see how we felt about things in the moment. I did the same thing with Caz and I think he was a little taken aback. I don’t think that conversation happened with the other group sex situations he’d been involved in.
I told Caz I wanted to talk to him and he was worried there was something wrong. I told him, “I just wanted to make sure you had a good time – what was your favorite part, what was one thing you liked, one thing you’d change?” He was very confused but it was a good conversation to have.
That ended up being our only threesome together, mostly due to timing and everyone’s schedule. I did end up spending more time with Caz on my own and we spent several more nights together, in addition to spending time together as friends like we’d done before.
More Than Friends
After two weeks or so, I became acutely aware of the deadline of Caz’s girlfriend coming back. When we were together, I found myself thinking, “This could be the last time.” It was something I thought about a lot. When I started having those thoughts, that’s when I realized I didn’t want this to stop. I started realizing I had quite a lot of emotional attachment to Caz that I wasn’t expecting to have.
Caz and I were together at one point and I realized, “This is probably going to be the last time, for real.” I brought it up to Caz, “This could be the last time we sleep together.” He got really quiet and I got really quiet. We were silent for a few minutes and I looked at him and said, “I don’t want this to stop.” He looked back at me and said, “I kinda don’t want this to stop either.” It was a mutual realization that even if there weren’t deeper feelings there, it was something we were both enjoying and something we were wanting to continue.
Caz’s girlfriend returned from her month away. Caz and I were hanging out and I asked how his girlfriend was doing with everything, how he was doing with everything. That’s when it started to become clear to me that his girlfriend didn’t feel ok with everything that happened – she didn’t want to hang out with me anymore, for example.
As Caz and I went back to a non-sexual, platonic friend relationship, I began to wrestle with these deeper feelings that I hadn’t expected to happen. I had a hard time understanding where they were coming from, what they meant, or what to do with them. About a week after our sexual relationship ended, I started crying one night and said to Hoshi, “I think I love Caz.”
Hoshi patted me on the back and said, “I told you so.”